My last writing ended with ‘If I could only use one word to describe my overall high school life, I think I’d use the word…’ but then I didn’t share that word. (1*)
Well, it’s time I tell you what it is.
Lost means having gone astray or missed the way; bewildered as to place or direction.
distracted – distraught – desperate – hopeless
This week I’ll describe one of two different ways I began feeling lost at eighteen.
The first occurred on the day I thought was to be the most exciting: GRADUATION !
Yep, time to graduate from high school. YIPPY ! I felt so ready to take on all that was ahead. The graduation ceremony went great, with a fancy dinner for many of us afterwards. After that, just a few of us girls went to one of my friend’s home to have, what I thought, a cool and simple celebration night.
This should be fun. All us ladies, officially out of high school, gabbing away for hours. Maybe all of us grads will have some beer, too. Hay, I’ve graduated. I can do that.
I couldn’t wait. That is, until the few of us girls got in my friend’s car. As soon as the last door was shut, out popped…
“Wooohooo! Ready to party!” one of them hollered with the others cheering her on.
She must just be talking about us cutting loose a bit more than normal. I’m game! I’m sure I threw in a few “Yay! Here we go!”
“The guys will be there right around the time we show up,” one of the graduates said, “Hey, Samantha, did your older brother get the drinks he said he could get?”
I began realizing how that evening was turning into something I didn’t expect. What took place was exactly what you see in a movie where the parents go somewhere overnight, trusting their daughter will be fine having a few girlfriends over. But then it turns into a wild party. I began thinking to myself a mile a minute.
Oh, my. What’s going. On? What am I getting into? I thought just us girls were getting together?
“Time to party away,” my so-called friends said as we got out. My ‘let’s party’ face I showed sure was different than my thoughts as I saw many senior boys, plus more girls, showing up.
Speaking of partying away, I was blown away! I never thought some of these people I considered my friends would be doing anything as wild as this. I had never done anything like this my entire high school years.
I felt I was invisible, floating around all these people, watching them eat, drink, and be merry. I wasn’t friends with them all but knew most from school. All were flirting big time while showing off any extra skin they could. I had to hide my shock with a fake smile. After all, I didn’t want to look ‘square’ and seem like I didn’t want to belong. I had to look cool and act totally comfortable with all that was going on. Hour by hour went by.
I can’t wait till this is over. I cant’ wait till this is over.
What I will never forget was seeing different guys pulling different girls behind different doors, knowing it wasn’t just to compare final test scores.
12 o’clock – 2 o’clock –
I wish I drove myself. Come on, clock. Go faster.
The entire time I felt like running away, but couldn’t, so I just acted like I was having a ball, pretending I was drinking, even acting a little buzzed.
2 o’clock to 4 o’clock
I looked at my watch every five minutes.
Finally! Time for this movie to come to an end. You can probably picture what took place. The parents come home unexpectedly early that next morning. It was the best thing I had seen those last six hours. As all were silently grabbing their personal belonging, after hearing two angry parents hollering as they stood inside the door pointing outside, I was most likely the only person secretly smiling ear to ear. I loved that ride home.
FINALLY ! That pressure was off! The worst night I’ve ever had was over! I left that party having stayed sober, clean, and a virgin. I felt so stupid realizing that most of my friends weren’t really the type friends I thought they were.
How dare they all do that? Man, I’m so glad to be home! But those thoughts, sad to say, were balanced off with feeling cut off from them all. Should I loosen up a bit? Am I too goodie goodie?
But I knew from then on I’d be uncomfortable around any of them, wanting to avoid any conversation about that night, and relieved there was no plan to see any of them soon.
I did not write one word about that night in my journal feeling it was a night I did not want to remember. I often now wish I had, wanting to read those thoughts that my pillow soaked up those next few days. But you know what? I really didn’t need a journal at that point. No way will I ever forget that night.
So the word ‘lost’ fits in right here because after that night I felt lost. Those people went off my ‘true-friend’ list. I felt a bit empty. – like the definition said, I was bewildered as to place or direction. Distracted; distraught – desperate – hopeless. What I thought would be my best day, turned out to be my worst – I was lost.
Next – how this time I felt lost lead to the next.