Month: December 2016

The Hardest Phone Call to Make – part 2

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As I continue my story, it’s time to share a piece directly from my book about my unplanned pregnancy which I dealt with when I was nineteen years old. The title is God and My Pillow because those are the only two who really knew all of my heart, soul, and mind during this difficult time. My last post shared what got me to finally make the hardest thing I’ve ever had to make: a phone call.   Click here  to read my last post

Ring, ring. Ring, ring. Ring, ri…

“Hello.”

It was him. It hit me hard.  It’s him.

“Hello.”  Does he recognize my voice?  “Is this Greg?”

“Yes, it is. Is this… Marianne?” I could tell from his tone of voice that he was surprised.

“Yes, it is.”

“Oh. Well, hello.”

Should I talk about the weather for a spell? No.

“If you’re wondering why I’m calling, I’m… I’m  calling to let you know… I’m pregnant and that the… the baby is yours.”

Silence.

“You’re–pregnant?” A little space between those words.

“Yes.”

Silence. I knew I needed to allow him a little time to breathe and come out of shock, but finally I had to say something. I said, a bit slower than normal, “So, what are you thinking?”

His answer showed that he didn’t know what in the world to think. I was rather bold, and told him right up front that an abortion was not an option. I could tell he was disappointed, but thankfully he didn’t make a big deal about that decision.  A sudden trap, I’m sure he felt.

We ended the talk by agreeing to go through this together, but that he would wait to hear from me on what I decided to do. I was a bit sad that there was no bold, mature, adult response like, “No matter what, I’m right by your side and will aim at making this the best thing for us both. I love you and will do anything that’s best for our baby. I’m eager to meet your parents, to show them I will take care of us all.” Instead, he had a more of a “yeah, whatever” attitude. I just told myself that it was better he be that way than have some selfish, mean, I don’t care attitude. He agreed it was his responsibility to do something, even if it meant we would get married and keep the baby.

Me? Getting married? Now? I knew I didn’t want to decide right then over the phone, so I told him I’d get back with him in a few days. I hung up, telling myself the talk went pretty well. But I also found myself needing to find something good out of everything lately.

After hanging up the phone, I felt like hiding from the world for a while. My thoughts of deciding what to do had begun, but they were too hard to share with anyone.hommes-naiment-chez-femmes-fuir

I could give the baby up for adoption and have no connection with Greg; have the baby and not get married; or have the baby and get married. I didn’t want to hear from anyone right then and I didn’t feel like deciding. I just wanted God to tell me.

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Why am I sharing this particular part from God and My Pillow? To make up for not including more here of what followed with Greg. It’s better to wait to read what I like to call the soap-opera part of my book. I feel it’s best for my book to show how God carried me through this entire ordeal, from beginning to end, with this young man.

My story is written to help readers understand how God may decide to put you through your own soap opera, one you’re not sure you can survive. I want to show you He can, and will, get you through it, holding you tightly and never letting go.

(1) Click here  to read blog prior to this one, and/or click here  to see how this entire story began.

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The Best Christmas Poem Ever

 

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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sugar is sweet
And so are you.

I bet we all can recall this poem, knowing people have fun making changes to it.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
My love for you
Will always be true.
or
What I feel in my heart
Is true love for you.

Oh, how adorable. Then, of course, people have fun making it silly.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sunflowers are yellow.
I bet you thought
this was a romantic poem.
These are just gardening facts.

Being it’s the Christmas season, I’ll share part of one I bet we’ve all heard:

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
When all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.

Wonder why I’m bringing up poems during this holiday season? Because I thought it was the perfect time to share a poem I made as a gift for my husband one year. On Christmas Eve twenty-three years ago, my husband, myself, and our two adorable young daughters, Cassie and Trina, were spending time at my husband’s parents’ home. Time to exchange gifts. Of course, our daughters had to open up theirs first. It’s always fun seeing the excited looks on little kids faces as they begin unwrapping. You should have seen the look of anticipation on my face when It was my husband’s turn to unwrap his gift from me.

“Here, honey,” I said, while handing him a simple, small envelope, “your turn.”
I’ve always been one to do things a bit differently whenever I give a gift, and this one to him was a perfect example.

“What’s…what’s this? A card?” he asked as he opened the envelope, pulling out this Marianne-made card. No computer back then to whip one up as people can do today. Nope. After opening up this envelope, he pulled out the simple folded piece of paper with words I had written on the front.

“Just make sure you read it out loud,” I said. He then began.

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He read it again, with a more serious look on his face. Then he looked up and saw me smiling from ear to ear. Looking on the inside of the card he saw the picture I put together that helped explain the poem.

 

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Slowly, he began smiling.
“You mean…are you…are you pregnant?”

The atmosphere in that room ignited with words such as “Really?” “Wow!” and “When’s it due?” And then explaining this wonderful news to our daughters came next by using the well-known saying, “There’s a baby in my tummy.”

Telling my husband I was expecting was a gift he sure wasn’t expecting!
That simple card with that simple poem turned out to be the best gift that year, and not just for him, but for us all.

The Hardest Phone Call To Make

deskphoneSo one day there I was, Marianne, nineteen years old, recently begun my new walk as a Christian with Christ right by my side as I was full of energy to face the world. The next day, however, I was that same nineteen-year-old who was now faced with an unplanned pregnancy, wanting to hide from the world.  (1)

I was relieved after telling my parents the day I found out, with an abundant amount of love from both of them softening my guilt. They showed no signs that they wanted to scratch me with any shame. They probably knew I was already holding enough shame inside.

Telling them I was pregnant still gets the title as the toughest thing I have ever had to tell anyone. Now sure, a few years earlier I had to finally tell the boss where I had been working for about four months that I was six months younger than the legal age to work there, with the result of instantly being fired from my job. That, however, was nothing compared to telling my parents I was pregnant.

Thankfully, the love expressed from my parents—along with my six older siblings—was the start of feeling that God was helping me at the beginning of this tough road I was now on.  I wasn’t encouraged enough to feel total peace in telling the entire world, however. Just my family knowing—along with my pillow, after it had soaked up my many thoughts by this point—was all I could bear for a few days. And then I told my best friend. That talk proved to me even more why she was my best friend.

I knew it best I talk to the pastor at my church, but being a Monday I found out I was pregnant, I decided to wait unit Sunday to talk to him face to face. Wondering how to tell my pastor filled much of my thoughts. But telling someone else filled up even more: the father. I became almost impossible not to think of how and when to tell my ex-boyfriend. Most of me didn’t want to tell him but I knew the smaller part of me was going to win. I had to tell him. Even though our relationship ended a few weeks before the thought of taking a pregnancy test even existed, a phone call was a must.

“Marianne,” my mother mentioned a time or twenty, “just call him and get it over with.”

bad newsI couldn’t use ‘I’m too busy’ being as I had no job or any time-consuming hobby to use as an excuse. And no way was I in the mood to just hang out with friends to fill up time. I tried my darndest to delay calling him as long as possible. Thomas Jefferson’s saying ‘Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today’  got pushed under my rug. Finally, towards the end of that week, I gave in and (gulp) called.

Ring, ring. Ring, ring. Ring, ri…

“Hello.”

To be continued.

(1) Click  HERE to see how my story began. (more…)

3 Things I Learned from My 30-Year High School Reunion.

Recently I have been thinking of the number one thing I’ve been thankful for, thus causing me to show an older blog. It is so helpful to remember how your heart felt inside when you were lost, and then found.                                                                                             (note- I shared this peace during the summer of 2015)

 

1985

Graduation Memories

Yep. The big 3-0 was this last weekend. Now stop right now. I’ll save you trouble and do the math for you. I’m 48. Great time recognizing most of the faces. Just don’t ask me if I could instantly pop their names out. As I looked at each face, I couldn’t grin enough. Before I wrote in my journal today about that reunion, I couldn’t help but look into my older journal that holds all of my high school thoughts. Reading my last writing that school year I must share.

 

May 14, 1985

“Well, it’s the annual look at the diary and it looks like it’s been a while since I last wrote.  A quick update. I graduate from Highline High school in twenty-nine days. I’m Eighteen years old and no, life is not easier at eighteen. I have my own car, a Capri. Attend O.S.C. (Occupational Skills Center) for the Visual Communication class. Work for Doug Fox Travel driving people to and from the airport while also being a ball girl for the Seattle Mariners. I will be going next year to Highline Community College and…..”
– Here. Let me stop. All sounds pretty great don’t ya think? Well… the next sentences alters that sound just a hair.
“…But I am more confused about the love life. …….I have spent the last weekend visiting my best friend and her college dorm life. Now listen, love is confusing. As the song goes ‘I’m Hooked on a Feeling’ after that one weekend and the guy I met there. But I do come to see that I’m to the point where who ever shows any liking for me will win. UG! …I’m on my journey to understanding Christianity and what Jesus can do for me. With my two best friends being religious now, it’s all just kinda weird but I’m learning. . . . . Is living with love important? Do I depend on finding love too much. God will reward me but when? I guess love does not come with a $145 prom dress or dreaming with a slow song. What’s the Answer? I shall write again. Maybe when my questions are answered.”

My next writing was 1 1/2 years later and boy, my questions were sure answered.

January 2, 1987
“How to even begin explaining the past year and a half. The best way to explain is that I got the answer to my last journal writing questions. I am a new creature and will be rocking for Jesus for all eternity! My two best friends aren’t so ‘religious’.  We are all Sisters-In-Christ now! Being Nineteen years old, I now can grab a hold of God and leave the world and my hunt for love behind”

Yep – My hunt for love had ended because God showed me that the most important love I could ever find would be from Him. And even then, I didn’t have to hunt for that; He gave it to me. He chose me. He had me first feel what sin truly was. My heart, soul, and mind felt heavy all of a sudden, realizing my sin that had built up those eighteen years. I pleaded for forgiveness. He then had me feel that feeling of forgiveness. The weight felt lifted off. Hard to describe but man, did that feel good! I didn’t then just feel, I knew I was then one of His adopted children. AMEN.

Looking back in my journal, I realized three things.
1- How thankful I am to have those precious memories on paper.
2- Thirty years go by so fast.
3- God gave me the best answers to those questions I had at the end of my senior year.

I wrote a lot more in that day’s writing but this peace you just read is by far the most important. The part that followed, however, is very important as well, being it is the topic of my memoir that, Lord willing, will be in print in the near future.

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Romans 15:13 –
Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.